It has recently been drawn to the Committee’s attention that there is a rival World Golf Tour operating in parallel to our very own! I know this is shocking news, but rest assured that the Committee of the Southern Gentlemen’s Social Golfing Club of Sandfly, Kingston, Dodges Ferry, Brighton, et al is hard at work on the matter.
Verily, gaze thine eyes upon theire ridiculous hallmark! Where is the Top Hat, for starters.
We have contacted the rival governing body to ask them (in an impertinent, strident and arrogant manner befitting the scorn which we reserve for these upstarts) to withdraw their claims on the “World Ranking” and “Major Tournament” records. Clearly these are the province of our August body and it’s members – the finest players in the World.
I am certain that they will swiftly withdraw, erase their records and transfer all prizemonies across to the actual best Golfers in the World, ie us.
To that effect we have sent an invoice to the PGA and other tours, on behalf of you all. I will outline the winnings you should expect to receive below:
Basil van Riet (4 Majors, World Number One for about 50 weeks?) $2.7 Billion
Leigh Stevens (3 Majors, current World Number One) $2.1 Billion
Ian Hermanis (2 Majors, World Number One for 12 weeks) $1.1 Billion
Leigh Craven (3 Majors) $900 Million
Felix Kennedy (1 Major) $500 Million
Matt Lyons (3 top six finishes) $70 Million
Alex Palmer (3 top nine finishes) $64 Million
Keith Cameron Smith (2 top nine finishes) $20 Million
Gary Heathcote (winner of provisional tour, admitted to Champions Tour) $2 Million
Please supply your bank account details and I will transfer as soon as it arrives in the Committee’s account. Or we can deliver it in big fat gold bars to your place
In the event that the rival tour does not want to erase their records, we may have to settle for having our Champions’ records inserted into their History.
If that happens, here are the scenarios for our three World Number Ones:
Basil will be 6th on the all-time list of most weeks at Number One (between Luke Donald and Ian Woosnam)
Ian will be 15th on the list (just in front of some no-name called Adam Scott)
Leeroy is still accumulating weeks at Number One, but is somewhere around Rory McIlroy and Nick Price at about 10th on the list.
The scenarios for Majors won, show that our men are equal with:
Basil (4) = Ray Floyd, Ernie Els, Rory McIlroy, Bobby Locke, Tom Morris Sr, Tom Morris Jnr, Willie Park Snr and more
The Leighs (3) are = Nick Price, Padraig Harrington, Tommy Armour, Payne Stewart, Vijay Singh, etc
Ian (2) = Jose Maria Olazabal, Greg Norman, Fuzzy Zoehler, Sandy Lyle, Bubba Watson, Angel Cabrera, etc
Felix (1) = Adam Scott, Fred Couples, Ian Woosnam, Geoff Ogilvy, Wayne Grady, Steve Elkington, Yang Yong-eun, Johnny Revolta, Don Finsterwald, Mungo Park, Ian Baker-Finch etc
Wow I cannot believe that there are another bunch of average punters out there with a world tour.
They actually pay players to entice them onto the course, not like us purists who started the ‘major’ phenomenon. We do not need the money, it is all for the glory.
May the Matchplay Masters and the Lost Bougle continue to attract the real golfers.
Nice write up mate,
Those scoundrels, copying our major program, how dare they?