Betwixt 41 and 43 degrees latitude, Tasmania is far enough South to experience the Aurora Australis.
No one knows for sure why this beautiful heavenly phenomenon plays havoc with the golfing abilities of some members of the Gentlemen’s World Tour whenever they happen to make the Matchplay Masters Final – but it freakin’ does. Only Felix and Ian (who work for the Energy company, Aurora) are immune. And technically Basil as well, coz he’s so good, but the Curse lifts Ian and Felix’s powers so they are unbeatable.
Ian won the first 2 MM Titles, and Felix has won the next 3. No one else has ever won it. This is not luck. This is not coincidence. This is not random statistical chance. THIS. IS. THE. AURORA. CURSE.
Even the famous myth-buster, Gradley Crabstick, agrees. “I’ve debunked all the big occult and paranormals out there – Loch Ness Monster, Big Foot, Haunted Houses, Zombies – and I really thought there was no such thing as magic or unexplainable phenomena – that was until I heard about the Aurora Curse. That’s the real deal, I’m tellin’ ya. Spooky man, spooky.”
And this from Cravo’s Dad (an Antarctic Scientist) “Did I think to myself when I was studying ion changes in the upper atmosphere at Casey Base in Antarctica, did I think that solar winds hitting the magnetosphere could cause the World’s Best Golfers to hit bad shots? Absolutely I did, that was my first thought. And now the stats prove my theory”. He goes even further, adding that “I am 99% certain that no one other than people who make their living working with Auroras will ever win the Matchplay Masters.”
There is consensus across the scientific community that the Aurora Curse is real. In fact there are more climate change sceptics than Aurora Curse sceptics.
“It’s gone from a way-out theory just a few years ago, to a fact. We all accept that” says Professor Ugenschoogenboogen of Helsinki University.
The main areas of research being pursued now are to discover how aurora ions negatively charge non-Aurora golfer and why the curse only influences one of the four Majors (it is thought that this is due to it’s scheduling in Winter/Spring).
Felix and Ian aren’t just relying on the Curse to maintain itself. In fact, they put in long hours at work applying their technical skills to ensure their personal receptors are at full beanpower to receive the ionized golf magic, and to channel it into winning Matchplay Masters Finals. As Felix says, “There’s nothing easy about it – it takes hard work”. Ian however was a little more off the cuff and laissez-faire, “Yeah as soon as I make the Final I mark it down as another Major in the bag. Doesn’t matter which snoozer I’m playing, the Aurora Curse will never fail me when I need it moo ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa.”
The Non-Aurora Gents of the Gentlemen’s World Tour know they have to do something drastic if they want to win an MM Trophy. “I’ve been looking for a job there for years but can’t get my foot in the door” says the Secretary, “I’m investing in new technology, an Aurora oversuit that deflects the negative ions and accepts positive ones. It looks pretty ridiculous and I can’t actually move when I’m wearing it, but it does have a collar, so I’m hoping to make the 2017 Final and test it out.”
Will the suit work? We asked another scientist, Dr Titleist for his opinion. “Not a chance. Highly improbable that it will be effective”.
And so, Felix and Ian can sit back safe in the knowledge that no one else from the Gentlemen’s Tour can beat them in an MM Final. Unless they change jobs. Or until, like other famous sporting curses (Kennett curse, the Masters Par 3 comp curse, the curse of Chief Wahoo) the Aurora curse eventually loses it’s otherworldly power…..or not….